He left. I knew he would. He told me that for four years straight. He reminded me over and over of the time frame, even counting down for me. Each year he would be like only 3 years left, then 2, then one, then "Mom, can you believe I'm leaving in the morning?"
It had come just like he said it would. Nate, the last born was left with "only child" status when he became a freshman in high school. His older siblings had all left for college, missions or were married by then. So he had a 4 year sentence of being alone with his parents and the term had now come to an end.
I didn't know how fast four years would go. I also didn't anticipate how I would feel when it finally happened. We took him to the airport to leave on his flight to the Provo MTC and then off to serve rest of his two year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Santos, Brazil. I watched as he moved past the boarding pass desk. I watched every movement, the taking off of his suit coat, putting his stuff in bins, walking through security, chatting with another missionary heading off to the MTC as he waited for his stuff and then putting back on the jacket, the grabbing of his bags and my eyes follow till the blonde tufts of his hair disappear around the corner to the gates. He is gone... and I feel it.
But what I feel is not loss but gratitude, that I had him. I didn't appreciate his goodness enough. He was one that came when I called. "Hey Nate, you need to unload the dishwasher, Within minutes, the dishwasher helper was there and dishes were unloaded.
Or I would look at some long hike I yearned to do that would require hours of travel and I would ask, "Nate, do you want to do this hike with me?" And he never said no.
Or "Hey Nate, I'm going to Utah to watch grandbabies for the week, want to come?" Next thing I know he is packing his bag.
Not once did he say no, and I honestly thought he wanted to do all those things until the day before he left when he said, "Mom I won't be here to go on trips anymore with you, you are going to need to fly." It then hits me all those trips he went on weren't because he wanted to go too, he just saw with clear vision that I wanted to go and without him, I wouldn't or I'd drive alone and both seemed like bad alternatives. So every spring and summer, when Duane was swamped with the orchard, Nate jumped in as sidekick and traveled wherever I needed to go.
Nate was born prematurely 3 lbs 14 oz. Within 9 weeks of his pregnancy, miscarriage signs began. I had just miscarried the year before and it looked like it was happening again. Same signs. I got a blessing from my father in law and in that blessing I was told I would have this one. He would come to term. I wanted to believe it, but my body was signaling another story. Those miscarriage signs continued throughout his pregnancy and finally caused the pregnancy to end 7 weeks early. But hope turned into joy when they laid him in my arms, we really were going to have this one.
I wasn't the only one filled with joy for this boy. The whole family watched him grow and he found a place in all of our hearts. He wasn't just my sidekick, he meant something to everyone. He was their little buddy, their pretend son, the completion of the N team, and their bestie. So it should not have come as a surprise that each of his siblings found their way home to say goodbye to him, despite having little ones, deadlines, school, and work. They paused their life to come back for him. It spoke volumes about them and their love for him and volumes about him and his love for them. We would all miss him, but the gratitude is that we got to have him.
I don't miss the symbolism. I look for Jesus in all that I do. And when I see Him, I want to let others see Him too. This unexpected joy that came into our lives as a baby, this one who holds a space in all our hearts and fills us with love reminds us of another. The One who asks us to be yoked with Him, that He will make our burdens light. (Matt 11:29-30). He is the one if we seek after, we will rejoice and be glad. (Psalms 40:16)
It is because of Christ that on this very day when I let my son go, my heart did not spill over in sadness, but filled with gratitude instead. This day when burdens are heavy, mine only felt laden down with love. I don't know how He does what He does, but I know He is real and I know His power can turn dark days to bright ones and broken hearts to whole ones. And for this and all the countless things he does my heart rejoices that through it all... I have Him.
