He left. I knew he would. He told me that for four years straight. He reminded me over and over of the time frame, even counting down for me. Each year he would be like only 3 years left, then 2, then one, then "Mom, can you believe I'm leaving in the morning?"
It had come just like he said it would. Nate, the last born was left with "only child" status when he became a freshman in high school. His older siblings had all left for college, missions or were married by then. So he had a 4 year sentence of being alone with his parents and the term had now come to an end.
I didn't know how fast four years would go. I also didn't anticipate how I would feel when it finally happened. We took him to the airport to leave on his flight to the Provo MTC and then off to serve rest of his two year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Santos, Brazil. I watched as he moved past the boarding pass desk. I watched every movement, the taking off of his suit coat, putting his stuff in bins, walking through security, chatting with another missionary heading off to the MTC as he waited for his stuff and then putting back on the jacket, the grabbing of his bags and my eyes follow till the blonde tufts of his hair disappear around the corner to the gates. He is gone... and I feel it.
But what I feel is not loss but gratitude, that I had him. I didn't appreciate his willingness enough. He was one that came when I called. "Hey Nate, you need to unload the dishwasher, Within minutes, the dishwasher helper was there and dishes were unloaded.
Or I would look at some long hike I yearned to do that would require hours of travel and I would ask, "Nate, do you want to do this hike with me?" And he never said no.
Or "Hey Nate, I'm going to Utah to watch grandbabies for the week, want to come?" Next thing I know he is packing his bag.
Not once did he say no, and I honestly thought he wanted to do all those things until the day before he left when he said, "Mom I won't be here to go on trips anymore with you, you are going to need to fly." It then hits me all those trips he went on weren't because he wanted to go too, he just saw with clear vision that I wanted to go and without him, I wouldn't or I'd drive alone and both seemed like bad alternatives. So every spring and summer, when Duane was swamped with the orchard, Nate jumped in as sidekick and traveled wherever I needed to go.
I no longer had my traveling sidekick or instant helper, this would be hard. I especially felt it on the first Saturday he was gone and it was clean the house day. It took longer, my body ached, he was definitely missed, but the tasks still got done because Christ makes up all the difference. He gives us the power and strength for us to carry on without our helpers. He also has the power to change our perspectives and hearts if we will let Him in.
It is because of Christ that when I let my son go that day, my heart did not spill over in sadness, but filled with gratitude instead. On that day when I watched my son leave and my burdens should have felt heavy, mine only felt laden down with love. I don't know how Christ does what He does, but I know He is real and I know His power can turn dark days to bright ones and broken hearts to whole ones. And for this and all the countless things he does my heart rejoices that through it all... I have Him.
